You know those days where you just can't win?

The days you have two good friends who don't get along with each other, but you want to be there for both of them? Perhaps expand it to two groups of people. Well enough, but not super well.

That's today. I ended up going with one group over the other one. Mostly because I slept in and from steam, I could see they where all preoccupied already... Not necessarily that it would stay that way, but I dunno. So I did what I felt was the right thing: I asked if we could reschedule. That worked out pretty well.

And then I went to a party. Originally intended to be a surprise party, but that ended up falling through. Anyway, reasons for it falling through aside, I was still there.

Oh, also, I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now. We've talked about some of the things that make me tick and I have grasped a better understanding of myself. Problem though, just because I have learned what has made myself tick, it doesn't necessarily make me able to do anything about it.
For the most part, I've got some paranoia. Also have kind of figured out that I'm living in fear. Fear of what, is still a mystery, but so often, it is fear...

Anyway, one of my "ticks" is I often feel I never feel like I fit in anyplace. As a result, being with other people, makes me feel awkward, which in turn, makes everything awkward.

That, I guess, is what happened tonight. As the night progressed, thing happened that made me feel a little awkward. Another tick: I like to think I'm good at taking awkward things in stride. And for the most part, I think I did. Or at least fooled everything into thinking I was ok, when really, I was starting to feel isolated and like I was losing myself in a dream (nightmare?) - Room full of people, and still isolated.

Also told it was weird to see me hugging someone. I guess another thing is, I've never been  big into hugs. I mean, I like hugs, but they just end up not happening more often than not. As with most things in society, the etiquette, and customs of hugging, confuse me to the point, I'd honestly rather kill myself than waste so much time figuring something out.

I'm ranting now, probably. Point is: I never seem to be able to escape myself. Everyday is a reminder that, no matter what, I'm still me. Another thing I'm trying to do: establish a strong sense of self. And tonight, shook what fragile thing I had built up. Even if I've been a little better, it all still scares me. And I still don't really know what to do about it all.

I figured out my relationship tick - I crave a relationship, because the last time I felt accepted fully, was in a relationship. But, I haven't pursued a relationship, because since then, every single relationship, has crumbled. Even the one I felt accepted, I found out much after the fact things that made me question every single thing ever said. Was everything a lie? After that, the next relationship, I was adored for the most superficial of reasons. The next one, tried to change who I was. And the next one, while it might have started out pure, it quickly (extremely quickly) crumbled under doubts, and suspicions. After that, well, the rest is history. That was nearly a year ago. A little over a year actually...

And I'm still screwed up. All those relationships, make me feel like I will always be alone. I suspect everyone of lying, being shallow, out to "help" or "fix" me into someone I'm not. And that scares me, more than the fear of being alone forever, ever will...

I'll be ok tomorrow.

I hope I'll be ok tomorrow.

Tomorrow, will be better...